The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
