A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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