i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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