I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
