We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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