Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
