The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
