Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
