I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
