dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
