watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
