Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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