u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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