Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
