I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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