My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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