Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
