everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
