you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
