The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
