In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
