I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize