Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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