My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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