I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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