You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
