Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
