my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
