im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
