with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
