Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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