Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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