I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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