Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
