I hate all girls vehemently.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
