dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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