I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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