Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
