I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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