I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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