I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
