Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
