I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
