I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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