the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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