I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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