Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
