Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
