i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
