In the future we'll all be gay
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
