were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
