ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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