Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
