Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
