remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
