I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
